So, last post I mentioned some garbage going on in my life. Some soul-searching has been happening as result of the garbage – the garbage doesn’t deserve any mention beyond this, but the soul-searching surely does. If this sounds all mystical and woo-woo, tough, my blog.
Anyway, I think I mentioned… lessee, here! that I had gotten tired of the hateyness. This is true, of course. With the health issues I’ve been having and the other things going on, I’d started to feel like there was a big cosmic target on me and life was sucking, hard. I was snippy to my kids, kept my head down and ignored people at work, didn’t like my dog or cats (let’s be real, the cats still suck), got into the habit of being a cancer patient instead of a person. That is not enjoyable.
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
Frustration and anger were getting the best of me and the tension in my body was an actual physical sensation. Bleh. I started thinking about positive thinking. Negativity and downer self-talk become such a habit (particularly among a certain subset of society that values snarky humor and snide commentary over honest feeling) and it’s just so hard to break that. You’re actually having to change neural pathways that have been developed over a long period.
Did you ever hear the story of the two wolves? The good wolf and bad wolf battling it out inside you, and the one who wins is the one you feed. I recently discovered a podcast called The One You Feed, about the power of positive thinking and creating positivity in your life. I actually subscribed to it and let it build up in my iTunes for a while before trying out an episode (snarky habits die hard) but I’ve listened to a few and I’m enjoying. I’m actually sitting down and thinking and taking notes about what I want out of life all that. I’m talking about it with T, and even with the kids. I’m making lists, thinking about priorities, thinking about what I want vs what I need. We’re comparing notes. It’s a work in progress, for sure.
Years ago when I was engaged to Rick, I was considering a church wedding and we actually went through church marriage sessions. There was one in particular, about communication, that I remember a lot. Gail and Marty talked about how, when their child was young, they unexpectedly found themselves with two weeks of child-free time at their disposal, and how they’d completely forgotten how to be married and not just a mom and a dad. They took some time and had some hard conversations about their marriage, and they “renegotiated their contract”. I’ve been thinking about that, but even in the larger context of life in general. I don’t really have a contract with life, but I have some ideas about what I want from it and what I want to leave behind when I go, and I’m renegotiating. Marriage, parenting, employment, even citizenship. It’s all up for consideration, at least within the boundaries of the promises I’ve made. Stay tuned, there’s more to come here.